People spend their whole lives looking for happiness, as if it were somewhere in a specific place. In fact, any psychologist or just a person who has lived for a long time can tell you that no matter where you go, you will not leave the one who is inside you. “You can’t run away from yourself,” says the proverb, and the conclusion suggests itself that we carry both grief and joy within ourselves and we ourselves are their cause. Being happy is not a process, it is your choice. You can decide today to change your life by discovering the source of happiness within yourself.
Be happy no matter what
What is happiness? Probably no one can answer unambiguously. They say that if you want to know what a person lacks, ask him what happiness is. For everyone, “being happy” means fulfilling your desire, and it will be completely different from the thoughts of other people. Of course have Common parameters a good life that almost everyone strives for: to be born, to fall in love, to get married, to get rich. But why, having received what we want, do we not rejoice for long, and the feeling of euphoria leaves us after a week or two?
Women's joy is a separate episode in the conversation about happiness, but it is from the fair half of humanity that we should take an example. The fact is that women are more capable of creating moods within themselves than men. Remember how we can come up with a scandal, borscht and a hat out of nothing! Women are simply created in such a way that, having perceived an idea, they can grow it to a universal scale. Therefore, it is easier for them to understand that the root of good and bad moods sits inside us and can be controlled. Remember: happiness is a choice! And if you decide to be happy, then you will have to work on yourself and your worldview. What prevents us from experiencing joy every minute of our lives? These are our thoughts, feelings of guilt, worries about the future, unfulfilled desires, need for something.
A person cannot live long in grief. One day you will definitely have a desire to give up everything and hide from the cruel world. This is where changing your mindset and maybe even your lifestyle helps! If severe blues set in, what can be done? Let it out, get angry, cry, or go for a run, swim in the pool, walk in the park, meet your parents or friends, play with your children. This is called "distraction from sorrowful thoughts." And after all that, start building a new paradigm for your happy life. Answer these questions:
- What's stopping me from being happy?
- Who makes me unhappy?
- Do I feel hatred, guilt, resentment, fear?
- Why do I experience these emotions, do they have a basis?
- What can I say about the problems I had 5 years ago?
- What would I say about my problems that I have now, in a year?
- How do I see my happy life?
- What does my ideal day look like?
Creativity begins!
Imagine your best day, what would happen there, where would you go, who would you be with then. Once you come up with all this, you will understand what you need to change in your life today to feel better. And, of course, don’t forget about positive settings:
- Life gets better every day!
- I thank life for everything I have!
- I give thanks for what I don't have! This means that everything will be, but better!
- I'm happy!
Everything is very simple
That's it, dear friends. Did you think everything would be difficult? No, being happy is easy, you just need to want it.
We assure ourselves that our life will become better when we get married, when the first child is born, the second. Then, we are upset that children are too young for one thing or another, and we think that everything will change when they grow up.
Further, we are annoyed by their attitude when they become teenagers. We assure ourselves that everything will return to normal when they grow up. We hope that we will feel better when your spouse solves his problems, when we spend an unforgettable vacation when we do not have to work. But we do not live this life at the moment, enjoying it. So when are we going to do this? We always need difficulties of any kind. But it’s enough to accept it as a given and decide for yourself to be happy, no matter what.Alfred Sousa once said:
“For a long time I thought that I came early to this world, the real world! There were always obstacles that always had to be crossed, there was always something unresolved, some little thing for which there was not enough time, unpaid debts, etc. that is, this is not that life - not real!
Because in our souls we know: the most important thing in life is not to win for ourselves. The most important thing is to help others win, even if it means stopping and changing direction. Such stories bring our Souls closer... a candle loses nothing by lighting another...
Good afternoon, dear readers! The quality of our life largely depends on how happy we feel. Frequent problems at work, quarrels with a spouse, unimportant child studies, boorish communication from a cashier do not contribute to the emergence of positive emotions. But you can rejoice even on the grayest day. Today I will tell you how to enjoy life no matter what. Simple and practical advice that can revolutionize your approach to happiness.
Find things that give you pleasure
It seems to us that we know ourselves very well. We understand what things we like and what infuriates us and drives us crazy. But it is not always the case.
Try sitting alone and remembering all the things you truly enjoy in life.
Don't be afraid to write down even the wildest and most incredible things. Maybe you enjoy walking around the city at night? Knitting, talking with a close friend, buying new things, good coffee in the morning, getting a massage, and so on.
Also, try to track those things that bring you joy. Did you play billiards for the first time and really enjoyed it? Great, add this activity to your list of enjoyable activities.
Try to pay attention every day to everything that makes you smile or feel joy.
Over time, this will help you focus on pleasant events and you will begin to notice more and more beautiful things around you. Our subconscious loves to play games with us. And sometimes it slips in exactly those things that we think about most often, that we are fixated on. Use this to your advantage.
Remember that if you eat oranges often, sooner or later they will begin to disgust you. Don't overdo it in enjoying one activity or another.
Expand your horizons
Learn something new every day. This will not only help you become more erudite and developed, but will also expand the range of activities that can bring you joy.
Perhaps you don’t even suspect that decoupage will become not only your hobby, but also your calling in life. And the pleasure you will get from this activity cannot be compared with anything else.
By learning new things, you train your brain and prevent it from stagnating. Train your memory and develop your thinking. In addition, if you try to apply something in your life, you will gain additional experience.
While exploring the world, you can meet interesting people, which will fill your life with completely new motives. They will share their experience, lift the curtain on something previously unknown to you, and show the beautiful side of something new. Don’t be afraid to make new acquaintances, because you don’t know for sure why fate brought you together with this or that person.
I bring to your attention a wonderful article that will help you make the first steps to change yourself much simpler: “”.
Make the most of everything
Learning to see the good even in the bad is an extremely useful and important skill that every adult, educated person should have.
Firstly, you don't take mistakes and mistakes so seriously. This allows you to avoid getting depressed by another failure.
Secondly, you know how to turn everything into the experience you need.
We are used to more often scolding our lives for everything. Bad job, loneliness, terrible traffic jams, the vile character of the wife, naughty children and so on. Believe me, in each of these situations you can find a positive moment.
- A bad job is an excellent reason to develop yourself as a professional and move to a new job;
- loneliness - independence, free schedule, complete control of your life;
- terrible traffic jams - Extra time to read your favorite books, a place where you can meet your soulmate, and so on.
Just don’t pull it by the ears. There are situations in which there really is nothing good. Know how to distinguish between reality, real experience, true successful moments and unrealistic expectations.
And of course, learn to enjoy the little things. Sometimes the smallest detail can make the whole day perfect. A pretty girl smiled on the bus this morning - here’s a great shot of your life that brought joy and positivity.
I recommend paying attention to the book Mikhail Labkovsky “I want and I will”. The author describes how you can learn to live in harmony with yourself, freeing yourself from unnecessary goals and tasks. Surely you can find useful advice in it.
What makes you smile? What is the most joyful moment in your life? What prevents you from enjoying every day? How do you encourage yourself?
Smile right here and now!
Best wishes to you.
The letter project is completed, or...temporarily suspended. Because it's a lot of work. Today is the final letter. I wanted it to be special - and it is. Unlike all the others, this is a letter from a man.
Good afternoon, Natalya Anatolyevna!
My name is Sergey. I am 31, divorced for 2.5 years, son from my first marriage. Now in a relationship. Working. I love cooking. This is briefly about me.
Actually, the problem is that I don’t understand how to deal with my jealousy.
The background is as follows: I lived in my first marriage for 7 years. I got divorced... Well, how can I say, it was hard, quite bloody, without incident, but tough. I went through a divorce and worked with specialists, I understood a lot for myself and resolved it in my heart. The main thing I want to focus on is that I was not jealous in my marriage. That's it in general. No way. Although I have a possessive character and I am very afraid of losing what is mine (friends, relatives, etc., although I know that they do not belong to me. They are not slaves. But for offending any “mine,” I will tear someone else’s into parts).
Having entered into a new relationship, I was greatly surprised to discover that I had long ago seemingly forgotten and mastered a feeling of jealousy. Here it’s worth saying that my girlfriend is... How can I say... We are from different planets, as it were... I am very tough on the outside, but soft and gentle on the inside. On the contrary, it is very soft. She is a freelancer, I am a strict adherent of office work. We can talk endlessly about our differences; we also have similar things: stubbornness, vulnerability, etc. In general, we live, not to say exactly, but in love.
About jealousy. I came across this feeling in myself and for 1.5 years I don’t understand what to do, on the one hand I know that she is my Choice, about her freedom of Choice. But the thorn remains, it doesn’t interfere (I don’t make a scandal, they don’t restrict freedom of communication, there are no extremes, but I can make a caustic joke), but it’s still inconvenient. Moreover, the girl immediately told me, I’m not jealous of you, I’ve had a lot of things, so I’m not jealous. Quite recently we found ourselves (unconsciously created) in a situation where she did not choose me. The lesson was amazing, very hard, tough, but with great difficulty I came to the conclusion that she has the freedom of Choice, and I have the responsibility of how to deal with it. Immediately, somehow, the jealousy left me and I somehow matured. And I understood about my freedom.
But now my girlfriend has become jealous (we are still together), it turned out that at the moment of anxiety after those painful events, her friend supported me greatly, warmly, in a feminine way, and as I understand it, as a man. In this state, I am perfectly aware of how I am being chosen, but I remember that I have a girlfriend and I love her and I try to respond to the choice taking into account her and with care for the one who chose (without games).
Now the result: I’m almost not jealous, and my girlfriend realized her jealousy. The question is what should I do with my jealousy, how to resolve it/recognize it so that there is no thorn in it. Otherwise I don’t want to get into games.
Thank you in advance.
Sergey, I answer this letter with great desire, because it is about love, and this is the most important thing in life..
Love is a special connection between people. This connection is based on coincidence, and these coincidences are the most pleasant thing in life, people value them most of all (you take the phone to write to someone - and then he writes to you.. you turn on the radio, and there is that song, which you are humming now..)
Here you are driving in a car, it’s raining outside the window, your favorite music is on the receiver... If you stop, turn off the wipers, and watch the drops flow down while listening to music, you will notice that each drop has its own path... someone is flying fast down, and someone is going there through long, winding passages...
But.
Sometimes some drops move synchronously, side by side, repeating exactly one after another every turn and movement... And then there is a connection between them, they are in a pair.
At first, coincidences make us happy, and then we unwittingly try to make these coincidences more frequent, expect them from others, or even achieve them. Because I really want it.
In a couple's relationship there is always an expectation of coincidence. No matter how all the psychologists around talk about it - “don’t wait, and you’ll be happy,” but without them it’s impossible. If you don’t wait and don’t feel the joy of coincidences, then there will be no connection, there won’t be a couple.
And this connection, this feeling of a couple - it is, perhaps, vital for a person, for his not biological, but psychological life. No couple - no you. ugly duck I didn’t leave the poultry yard because there were bad, traumatic, painful relationships there, but still relationships... loneliness and emptiness - even worse.
So, there are coincidences - that means there is a feeling of a couple, a connection. Then a lot depends on these coincidences...
I would consider jealousy as one of the types of resentment. If the offense is a failed expectation (Yu.E. Shilov), a coincidence that did not happen, which is unpleasant and inconvenient (they didn’t give something good - they didn’t help, didn’t pay, didn’t give it, didn’t allow it... and now you yourself will have to do more, more often or more difficult) Then jealousy is an insult, which is also scary; this is such a discrepancy that threatens you with the feeling that there is no couple at all... If there is resentment - you were treated poorly, then jealousy - it turns out that you don’t exist at all... at least for this person you don’t.
One more approach - to the drops. Remember: sometimes some drops flow down the glass, like girls in synchronized swimming... Why do they do that? It’s one thing - because both of them wanted it, at the same time, and everything coincided. And another thing is when you don’t want to flow there, but you want to experience the feeling of synchronicity, it’s so pleasant. And then you either “break yourself” or force someone else, or even better (of course worse) - both yourself and the other... It doesn’t matter that there is no personal choice, but there is synchronicity. As M.L. once brilliantly said. Pokrass: “let me do for you what I don’t want, and for this you will do for me what you don’t want..."))))
Synchronicity can be, let’s say, primitively, “real” and “fake.” The first - by coincidence, the second - we gave up everything and are watching each other so as not to lose the rhythm.
Random synchronicity - happens without giving up oneself and freedom of choice, and happens very rarely. I know this bit by bit. Occasionally and not for long...
And very few people can continue to feel in a couple, being content with only random synchronicity (has it become clear to many that this is unconditional love?) Still, done - modeled - it also helps a lot, and there is nothing wrong with gifts for the holidays, in politeness and respect for age or status, in condescension towards children - yes, this is not by coincidence, yes it is planned in advance and not by spontaneous choice - but it also warms.
Therefore, let’s not be very categorical here, we are not talking about “either everything is good - everything is just by chance, or everything is bad - because it was planned.” But even a small increase in the percentage of “real in unreal” already qualitatively changes the situation. The more random the coincidence, the more caloric and healthy it is in composition.
And one more thing - there is more synchronicity on the windshield of a car if you look not only at those two drops, but at everything - some repeat each other’s path at a very great distance, without knowing it... And this is not given to everyone - to be able to see all the drops on windshield...
So, there are relationships in which people are quite powerfully oriented towards synchronicity, but then there will certainly be sacrifices regarding freedom of choice. Or there is such a strong NEED for this freedom that there is no need to sacrifice. In these relationships everything is stable, understandable, and predictable. There is no jealousy (sexuality is at a minimum level).
But as soon as there is more focus on individuality and personality, you will immediately have to “stay afloat” (feel needed) not by a life preserver (modeled coincidences) but by beating your paws on your own and only occasionally resting on the buoys of random coincidences... Here the connection between relationships becomes thinner , a “break in communication” may happen more often, and the ground for jealousy - yes, appears, and sexuality grows.
"The new girl is very different." Your choices with her are very different, and maintaining the feeling of a couple becomes more difficult. The couple in this version is not reinforced concrete, but more airy, and in order to feel each other next to each other, stronger points of support inside are required, and less expectations from the other. And even fewer coincidences...
Jealousy is a feeling of discrepancies in the direction of “we are a couple, there is a magic of synchronicity between us”, if you feel weak in this direction, it is only because you want, you really want an inflatable mattress... and don’t bother finding the desired gift or favorite flowers, don’t spend money to conversations like “what’s on your mind” and “what’s been upsetting you lately.”.
In general, I think that some jealousy, hitherto unknown to you, but which has appeared in your relationship, is due to the fact that your union allows for a fairly high level of freedom of personal choice for everyone (the debut occurred precisely in such a context). That, by and large, this is not even jealousy, but some new feeling that is similar to it, such “near-jealousy”... And that it should be accepted as a normal part of a healthy relationship
Well, there is one more interesting nuance in this topic. Jealousy is a powerful weapon, it can force another to do a lot... and that means jealousy can be caused intentionally, by your actions, conversations or hints, immerse another in this state in order to control a person.. Two years ago, in live radio program Natasha Somova asked me - how to distinguish a mistake from a betrayal? Very good question.. I still remember it. I was confused, but the answer came up easily - you can tell the difference by how the person who committed this act behaves afterwards. After a mistake - “what have I done, a fool?” after betrayal - “this is the motherland, how could it not be betrayed”... When a client, usually a client, tormented by jealousy comes to a consultation, it is very important - what about the other? - he himself told and talks about relationships outside the boundaries of the couple, praises a competitor, compares with “his own”? then things are bad - you have fallen into a network of harsh manipulation. Or the other realizes his carelessness and tries to level out what happened. Come. Happinnes exists)))
If you want to receive my response to your letter, and agree that these texts will be published on social networks, write to [email protected] Anonymity is guaranteed and published after agreement with the author.
Due to the heavy workload of projects since September, I now reserve the right to respond not to all letters, but only to those that seem very interesting to me for publication, on topics that have not yet been understood. And I must warn you in advance that sometimes you have to wait a very long time for an answer - up to 3 months, but I will write to you right away to see if I will deal with your letter.
Who cares what they think of you? If you are happy with the decisions you made, then you did right choice, and it doesn't matter what others say. Imagine how much effort you spend trying to read other people's thoughts, and still don't guess.
Listen to advice - please, but don't let others decide how to live.
2. Anger and resentment
The next time you catch yourself feeling this way, think about this: “Would I like to be the person I envy?” Surely not, you love yourself (even if somewhere very deep inside).
You are looking at someone else's life that you don't know. You have no idea what this person is thinking. Maybe when he dives into the pool of his private home, he hates himself or is wildly afraid of something? Maybe you, walking through the forest on a sunny day, experience much more pleasure than he does, basking on the snow-white sand in the Maldives?
Stop looking at others. If you feel good now, then everything is right. If not, make it good.
16. Uncertainty
U happy people, as a rule, there is a sense of self-esteem (just do not confuse it with an inflated ego). They are happy with themselves and exude confidence.
There is no reason to doubt yourself. If you have traits that you hate, there are two ways: accept them or change them. Every person is everything at once: a libertine, a puritan, a lying bastard, and a gentleman. You choose who you want to be.
17. Dependence on others
No one will fill the emptiness inside of you. No one will make you positive and self-sufficient if you are unhappy with your fate. To share your happiness with someone else, you must first become happy yourself. So don’t even hope that your success is in someone else’s hands. Only in yours.
18. Past
Living in the past means burying your present. There were mistakes - okay, who didn't? Give your memories a magnificent funeral, remember only the lessons and...
19. Total control
Sometimes you just need to relax and let life take its course. You can't control everything, and you have to accept that. Otherwise, you will be constantly nervous, but in the end you will still not change anything. There are simply things that are beyond your control. They must be accepted as they are.
20. Expectations
People think that others should meet their expectations. That's bullshit. Nobody owes you anything, just like you don’t owe anything. No one should be polite, attentive, neat, honest, pleasant to talk to, clean, in the end. Nothing has to be perfect, amazing, unforgettable, but it can be. If it happens, great; if not, you won’t be upset. Be willing to accept whatever life throws at you and you will find happiness.
